Van Helsing

A lot has happened since I last updated you on Ruben’s life. In the world, that is. The passing of MJ and McNair, the trade of Shawn Marion, Federer’s new record and LeBron getting dunked on. Ruben’s life has remained relatively unchanged, save a few revealing details.

Ruben defended his eating habits one morning (morning for him, mid afternoon for most) when I was talking about how little food we kept in the house. The only meat we had was sliced turkey amongst a plethora of dairy products: milk, cheese, more cheese, yogurt, and 1 egg. That, combined with the mayo, jam and ketchup, left me with very few options besides the same sandwich I’d eaten for the past 8 weeks and I grew quite frustrated. As I expressed my feelings on the matter, Ruben quipped, “Now you know why I wake up so late.” While clever, I knew this couldn’t possibly be the true reason for Ruben’s nocturnal habits. It was a few days later that GC unveiled the true reason.

After another weekend, turned week, and eventually month, GC finally erupted with a secret she must have been keeping since his birth, “Ruben, you’re like some kind of Vampire!”

It was so obvious I was disappointed with myself for not picking up on it. The signs are all there: He wakes around 2:30, spends his afternoons hiding in the basement from the sun and is very secretive about his nightly activities. You can imagine how pale the Rube has become especially as he also carries the britpale gene. His eating habits are consitent(ly few and far between) because he’s so full from the previous night’s…well, you get the idea. I’d rather not think about it  now that I have to sleep with one eye open. Still have any doubts? Well, I snapped a photo of evidence found in his car that pretty much seals the deal.

Scary, isn't it?

So, if you see a pale skinny individual late at night, don’t offer him anything to eat. He just might take a bite.

2:30 wake up call

The Rube broke tradition yesterday by appearing on the early side of noon. Don’t worry, it wasn’t his choice. His friend woke him up at 9:30 because he needed a ride home. I’m not 100% certain, but I believe Rube ate 3 meals.

Today, Ruben was obviously angry at yesterday’s debacle and decided to get back to his normal sleeping/eating habits. He appeared at 2:30 after I woke up early, ate, worked out for about 3 hours (excuse me while I ball) and am preparing lunch. Can you guess what Ruben is currently eating? Pat yourself on the back if you guessed:

Yep, it's cereal.

Just look at that focus. When you eat as often as Ruben, it’s important to take it all in. You never know when another opportunity may come along.

I’m intrugued to see what Ruben has for dinner. It’s pretty late, so it wouldn’t surprise me if Ruben abandoned the thought altogether. More later.

Ruben: a creature of habit

Rubens first "meal" of the day in a cute pink bowl.

I returned from work early yesterday at around 12:30. As usual, I had my quick breakfast of two bowls of cereal and two sandwiches plus chips for lunch. I went over to Adnil’s house because she has a nice little pool in her backyard and I wanted to get my bronze on because my farmer’s tan was getting a little outrageous. Not as bad as 3renys’ tan, who has permanent socks, but close. I made it over after 1 to find the Rube in the kitchen, and to my surprise he was looking for food. As he was pouring his bowl of cereal, I asked, what did you have for breakfast? He informed me that this was his breakfast. Nice. Ruben also added toaster strudel to his meal made by Adnil.

I do not know what the Rube ate for dinner but I do know he hadn’t eaten by 7pm because I went to his work place and got food, steak and cheese sandwhich with potato skins to start. Rube was highly irritated at dinner (his lunch), confirmed by RWHammo, which I attributed to his lack of calories. My Mum got annoyed with me for suggesting such a rational thought and hit me in the arm. I do not know what Rubey had for dinner, but if I were to venture a guess it would be a double cheeseburger from McDonalds with small fries and no ketchup. The red sauce, I assume, would be too filling.

Ruben’s eating habits

My brother Ruben is classical human being, much like Bach or Boris Diaw, but mainly in the sense that he eats like the poor farmers in the times of the 1800’s who struggled daily to find enough scraps to feed themselves. Ruben prides himself on his ability to fit through tight spaces as well as reach around couches to grab change so he can fill his stomach with dollar-menu fries. His will is strong evidenced, by his ability to stick to his strict 1000 calorie-per-day diet. I will henceforth document the dietary habits of the Rube and compare them to my own. Anyone interested in frequently being mistaken for newly-planted trees or stripper poles would do well to follow this blog*.

Ruben’s breakfast began in a similar fashion to mine with two bowls of cereal. The main difference was that mine occurred at 8 this morning and Ruben’s came post-1pm. My lunch consisted of two sandwiches, chips and a burger while Rube typically goes without lunch and today was no different. For dinner, Ruben satisfied his lack of hunger with a burger while I ate chicken, potatoes and salad. And cheesecake.

I estimated Ruben’s total calorie intake about about 1000, right where it should be. Luckily, I ate enough for the both of us. For a week.

Pictures coming.

*No one should follow this diet.

UGA education at its finest

This is a paper I wrote describing a fish I had to create for my Marine Biology lab. I made it out of a Dial soap dispenser and solo cups. Yes, I did get an A.

Dialfish (Sapopiscis)

The Sapopiscis, more commonly known as the dialfish or soapfish, was discovered in 1948 by Bradley Casper. Dialfish have stiff bodies, blue and white coloring and a long mouth. The coloring of the dialfish make it difficult to for predators see and its tough scales allow dialfish to enjoy a lifestyle amongst sea anemone while being unaffected by the toxins. Dialfish feed on bacteria typically found near sea anemone that it can suck in through its unique elongated mouth. The suction of a dialfish is extremely powerful. Dialfish hunt by sucking in lots of water, collecting the bacteria and other useful particles in the stomach, and squeezing the unnecessary water out through the mouth. Dialfish give off a magnificent scent when being cooked which is attributed to the unique combination of the toxins and the deodorant-like particles found amongst the scales. The dialfish is not particularly fast due to the stiff nature of its fins and would be highly susceptible to predators were it not for a highly superior defense mechanism.

Dialfish have the ability to remove poison of the sea anemone and store it in a thin tube near the stomach. When a dialfish senses an attack, it can squeeze its head area down to release this poison into the ocean. Organisms that come in contact with this poison are paralyzed and the dialfish is able to escape most attacks. This makes dialfish lethal to humans if prepared the wrong way. However, the toxins are not effective against its sworn mortal enemy, the clownfish.

When a dialfish comes in contact with a clownfish it typically gets visibly rattled. Its fins and scales will rise up off the body to become as big and intimidating as possible. Once a dialfish and a clownfish have acknowledged each other, the battle is then “on”. At this point, the dialfish will alert other dialfish that he is in need of backup as its only defense mechanism is useless against the clownfish. Clownfish have the advantage in the battle and the only way a dialfish will be able to win the showdown is if his crew shows up in time to prevent a bloodbath. Dialfish resort to headbutting clownfish until the clownfish is considered “abused” which would give the dialfish bragging rights. The headbutts are usually ineffective as dialfish are slow moving causing the headbutts to be rather weak, hence the need for backup and a reliable crew. Clownfish swim around looking cool and impressing the ladies in the surrounding area until one of them gets annoyed with the attacking dialfish and kill it. This is a useful tactic because most marine organisms do not like headbutters. It is unclear who is winning the battle between the two species and depending which species you ask, you would get a different answer.

The battle between clownfish and dialfish is also ongoing in fish courts across the ocean floor. Dialfish became irate when they were not included in the movie “Finding Nemo” and sued the clownfish species for deliberately cutting them out of the film. Dialfish are trying to encourage a movie be created about them as well but results have not been particularly positive for the dialfish thus far.

Hell has Frozen Over

What? Could it be? The return of the Waldman blog? I only wish it were true. In fact, I can’t even view those old beauties because I forgot the password.

I’m here to talk about something of much higher importance (though, Matt’s life was about on level with, “Hmm, Frosted Flakes or Wheaties this morning?”). Hell has frozen over. Let me explain.

I first realized it today as I was walking to class. See, April is typically my favorite month to be on Georgia’s campus in the spring (because nothing beats Fall in Athens) as it’s the time of year when sundresses typically become the norm. What’s better than admiring co-eds in dresses before you enter your painfully miserable computer science class? Nothing. In fact, they may be the only thing keeping much of the male population from mass suicide while in some of these classes.

As I left my apartment, I felt a strange sensation: wind. Not the cool breeze I was expecting, but a harsh biting wind that nipped my cheeks. I walked back inside to grab a sweatshirt which I then remembered had been stolen by a transient hooker I found downtown one evening. I dug my jacket out of my closet and proceeded to class. Where was I?

I barely made it out of my computer science lab and walked to German. I suddenly stopped. What the hell is that coming out of the sky? Snow? It can’t be. I looked around: I wasn’t in Boston. Suddenly I became petrified. The last time this happened I barely made it out alive. I escaped the demonic snow and made it inside.

It was then I realized what was going on: hell has frozen over. This has been coming for awhile. Think about the recent events that have happened in the sports world. Last year, 4 number 1 seeds made the Final Four of the NCAAs. Georgia won the SEC Tournament after finishing 4-12 in the conference. Georgia Tech beat Georgia. Ohio State won a bowl game (just kidding!). Bill Simmons picked the Royals to win the AL Central (not kidding). The Yankees didn’t make the playoffs. The Rays did. Utah beat Alabama. App State beat Michigan. Brett Favre retired (twice). Andruw Jones is still playing Major Leauge Baseball and Bud Selig is still the commissioner. CC Sabathia getting chased in the 5th inning of his first start for the Yankees was the tipping point. It’s finally happened. Al Gore is rolling around in his political grave.

What does that mean from here? Will the Dawgs turn it around at basketball? Probably. But who knows? But when you see pigs flying, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

per the request of a friend, this blog will end as of right now.

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